Purge

facebook is an interesting place...kinda like a school playground.

Personally, I only want to hang around the kids that are nice and like me. I don't much care for those kids that really don't like me, are mean to me or others on purpose, or are simply hanging around to gather information to gossip about me or my close friends. 

I had to do a purge. Unfortunately, many of those I unfriended consider themselves believers--a fact that saddens me greatly. Others I had to unfriend because of their close associations with people who, on a regular basis, gossip about me and continue to disparage my name and character (who also consider themselves to be believers). To them I am truly sorry...I wish you all the best.

Innocently, some of the people I unfriended just because we never interact, and it was time to clean the place up a bit. No ill-will was intended on my part for any of the unfriendings, truly.

I want my facebook experience to be a positive, informative and sometimes inspirational place. I'm sure they do, too. Parting ways is probably the easiest way to accomplish that for all involved.

(And now they will all just have to figure out how to lurk my blogs, eh? Ha!)

Get the Right Fit

I didn't write the following, but it is worth sharing and saving. Remember, 90% of women are wearing ill-fitting bras...yes, even you. Read on, girlfriends!

The guide is intended to get you really close to wearing the perfect size but there is no alternative to actually trying on bras and assessing the fit. Ideally, every woman would have access to a well stocked lingerie store that carried everything from 24A to 50K, but alas.

You'll need a tailor's/cloth tape, a scratch pad and pen, and (if at all possible) a friend/significant other to help. You don't need a friend, but it's really helpful to have one as they can make sure you've got the tape lined up neatly and do the measurement for you.

First, here's the "Don't do this!" part of the program.

Don't measure yourself wearing a bra, even a bra you think is a good fitting bra. You'll effectively be measuring the bra and not your breast tissue.

Don't wear anything. You're not trying to measure yourself to wear a bra over a t-shirt or a bra over another bra or anything. You want a skin-to-tape measurement.

Don't do any weird math, fancy over/under the boobs nonsense, or anything else you've ever heard about measuring for a bra.

Alright, you're naked and you've got your tape and pen/paper. Now, let's get measuring! =)

Lean forward so that your back is parallel with the floor. This is important. You want gravity the help pull all your breast tissue forward, even the breast tissue that your previously ill-fitting bra squished back under your arms (and even around onto your back). You may even want to take a moment to reach back and massage your sides, kind of pushing the breast tissue forward with a sweeping motion. Measure around your torso with the tape passing over the fullest part of your hanging breasts. Keep the tape as straight as possible (essentially perpendicular to the floor if you've done your best to make your body parallel to it.)

This measurement should be loose. Tighten the tape just tight enough that it doesn't easily slide off the skin if nudged, but not tight enough to begin to deform the breast tissue.

So! Upper body parallel, measure with a snug and straight tape, and write that number down. For the sake of this example, let's say 42 inches. Write it down.

Note: If you have pendulous breasts you may wish to take two measurements and average them. You can measure yourself once in the hanging position, then once in the standing position and average the two numbers.

I strongly suggest leaning towards the larger measurement. The vast majority of the “90% of women wear the wrong bra” crowd are wearing bras with radically undersized cups. Make sure there is room for your breasts and then work down to a snug cup fit!

Next we measure for the band. Wrap the tape around your torso, directly under the root of your breast. Wherever your breast tissue terminates into the torso, that's where the band should be sitting. Even if it seems high (because you're used to wearing poor fitting bras or you have breasts with a high root but signification slope) you want the band to sit at the root of the breast so that the breast tissue is laying nicely in the cups.

You want this measurement to be very snug. Pull the tape tight enough that it feels really snug but not so tight as to be a corset or a that it leaves a red mark in your skin. It's important you get a snug measurement; If you start with a band that is an inch or more too big it will not only fail to support you right from the start but it will rapidly get worse.

So! Measure tight but not so tight that you leave a red mark on the skin. Write this measurement down. For the sake of this example, let's say the measurement was 34 inches.

Armed with those numbers: 42 inches over the fullest point of the bust and 34 inches snug around the rib cage, it's time to do some very minor calculating. You can do it manually or you can use a bra fit calculator. The big caveat is that 99% of bra fit calculators are absolute garbage; they're so bad as to be completely useless.

That said, as of this writing (3/29/12) the bra fit calculator at Sophisticated Pair is excellent. Probably the best one online at the moment. If we plug in the numbers we got with our measuring, it suggests that our model would likely be comfortable wearing a US 34H or a UK 34FF.

If you'd like to calculate your bra size manually you need the band size and the difference between the bust size and the band size. In the case of our example the band size is 34 inches and the different is 8 inches. The cup size is determined by the difference (8 inches, in this case).

You may notice that US bra manufacturers do not have their shit together. That would be an accurate observation. UK companies are almost completely standardized with a little variation in cut/cup size between companies and within their various lines. US companies are all over the map; part of it is a stupid fixation with not making bras bigger than "D", so G cups are sometimes labeled as DDDD. So stupid. To further compound the confusion, some US companies have thrown in the towel on the US system and are now using the UK system (because it's clearly easier to understand). Manually calculating your bra size using the US system is a complete crap shoot once you get above around a DD cup; US brands are ridiculously inconsistent.

With that in mind, I'd strongly suggest you start with UK brands first, to avoid frustration. Brands like Panache, Freya, Fantasie, and Curvy Kate are all great brands to start with. You can find lots of UK brands for dirt cheap at BraStop.com--we're talking bras that cost $75-120 in the US for a mere $20-30 USD.

The real test is actually trying the bra on. I'd suggest ordering a few bras from a few companies, around the size you think you are. Once you get the bras, try them on (making sure to use your hand to gently scoop all your breast tissue from the sides and armpit area into the cup) and assess the fit.

You must get in the habit of doing the scoop-and-swoop move. It enhances your bust, it smooths out armpit and back bulges, and (for larger chested women especially) it helps the breast fat that crappy bras have savagely smashed into your armpits and around your torso, migrate back into place. For women with C cup breasts and larger, it's not uncommon to go up a cup size after a few months of wearing the right size bra because all the previously smashed-around-"chub" has settled back into it's proper place: in the breasts.
As far as the cups go... You want all the breast tissue in the cups. None bulging out in the arm pits, none being pushed back against your ribs, and none spilling out over the top of the cups (the dreaded quad-boob).

The band should be snug (you should be able to slide a finger or two under it comfortably, but no more), it should be parallel to the floor, it should touch your chest all the way around (if the band doesn't sit flush to your breast bone in the front, that means the cups are too small and your breasts are lifting the band/gore away from your torso).

Here's a quick trouble shooting list:

Breasts spill over cup either on the tops or out the sides (like into the armpit area)? The cup is too small, go up a cup size.

Bra cup is wrinkly? Either the cup is too big or the style of the cup isn't suited to your breast shape (i.e. the cup is shaped to compliment a woman with upper pole fullness and you're more of a lower pole kinda gal).

Underwires are digging into your sides/armpits or aren't flush against your ribs? Cup size too small, go up a cup.

Band too tight? Increase band size.

Band rides up in the back? (i.e. curves towards your neck, not parallel with the floor?) The band is too big, go down a band size.

Gore doesn't tack? (the center of the cups, where the underwires form a little bridge of sorts isn't touching your torso?) Cup size is too small, go up a size.

Straps painfully digging in? Loosen the straps to a two-finger tightness. Do your breasts sag? Then you were using the straps to over support them. You most likely need a tighter band.

Remember, the cup and band are not independent. If you make an adjustment to the cup or band size you need to make an adjustment to the other element. For example, if you're wearing a 34H and you feel the band doesn't fit well, your next stop should be a 32HH not a 32H (unless of course you're attempting to diagnose a poor band and cup fit at the same time).

Most of all, it should be comfortable and flattering. Even if it meets all the requirements: breasts in cups, band flush, should straps not digging it... if it makes your boobs pointier than you'd like, gives them a weird shape, or otherwise doesn't make you feel awesome... send it back. You've spent too much time wearing the wrong size bra to settle at this point in the project.

Threshold

Sometimes

Sometimes things just don't turn out the way I would like.

Sometimes those closest disappoint and fail to do what's right.

Sometimes I can't get it together to be who I need to be.

And sometimes it seems like timing is off and in the emotion, I can't see.

All the silence,

and all the pain.

Damning indecision falls like rain.

Waves of memory wash and snare
drowning me in currents of despair.

Sometimes I bend and dodge the truth,
"no, nothing's wrong - oh, and by the way,
why would you care?"

Sometimes I want to know it will be over soon;
for surely, there has to be an end...

Dull but pounding grief.

Tender scars remind
and sometimes bleed.

Inadequacy that clings and won't let go.

Lack of respect that's sharp - 
I'm always tempted to turn aside from what I know.

But still - 
I remember who I am.

And always -
I remember Who I serve.

Deep down -
I always know
that it is my choice to go;
that I don't have stay
for another minute or one more day
in this place of pain.

Thou, O LORD, 

art a shield about me.

You're my glory,

and the lifter of my head.

Hallelujah!

You are (always) the lifter of my head.

Sometimes, I just need to close my eyes and drink in praise to our LORD.
And remember why I persevere.

We only have to live one day at a time,
and then we never have to live it again.

This is a good thing.

The Study

It may not be much to some, but for me, it's pretty dang awesome! Didn't cost a lot, either...which is a good thing! With putting all my money into fuel for my kids and fuel for my car, there is not a lot left over.

It is so nice to have a place to study, to plunk around on facebook and to be. B"H

it should be called the Cat Den...

handy supplies guarded by Jeddy

a fun thrift store find displays some R2 units so nicely...

I love how the artwork turned out!

it will be great to hit the books in this room! I'm so pleased.

It's All About Me, v2

[This is a re-post of an article from way back in December '07. Since we have been talking, again, about personality profiles, I thought it would be fun to revisit my own. For more information about the Meyers-Briggs personality profiling, check out the (free) test HERE and the descriptions of the personalities HERE.

Since writing this, so many things have changed; I no longer attend regular congregational services and have recently committed to returning to college in search of a degree. I have bolded the things that have changed, just for fun. However, the personality profile is definitely still the same. So very interesting...]

*  *  *

December 2007

As part of a letterboxing project, I was required to come up with 100 facts about myself. Being that everyone likes to talk about themselves, I did not find it hard to come up with 100 facts. It was fun, actually! So, I thought it would be interesting to post it here.

Give it a try... it's fun!
1. My full name is Elizabeth Jean Jones Markussen Henderson.
2. I have a few nicknames, but only a select few can call me Lizzie. (No one calls me Lizzie. Period.)
3. I was born January 1965; the year that President Johnson signed the Social Security Act into law, establishing Medicare and Medicaid, and the 630-foot-tall Gateway Arch in St. Louis is completed.
4. I used to be able to take Gregg Shorthand at around a 100 words per minute and could type almost as fast.
5. I graduated from Thomas Jefferson High School in 1983; the same year that the compact disc was introduced for recorded music and Dallas was the most popular TV show.
6. I have green eyes, dark blonde hair and am almost 5'6" tall. I will not tell you how much I weigh, but I will say that it is too much.
7. I like puffins… well, all birds really. I used to have several parrots and a flock of finches for pets.
8. I prefer to live and sleep alone (probably because I never get to).
9. I am a cat person and most cats know this instinctively.
10. I love dogs, but don't want to own one.
11. I love music and cannot live without it.
12. I was gifted with the talent of dance; my mother says I was dancing before I was walking. I was trained in jazz and a little ballet, and currently dance Hebrew/Israel dances on a regular basis with friends. (I no longer have the opportunity to dance, but who knows when that will change?)
13. I still have my tonsils, appendix and wisdom teeth.
14. I have had three C-Sections, one of which was an emergency.
15. My youngest son drown when he was 18 months old… and was thankfully revived.
16. I have always wanted to know how to play the piano and violin, but have never had the self-discipline to learn.
17. I was born in Burien, Washington, in a hospital that no longer exists.
18. I have nearly perfect teeth without braces.
19. I was born after many hours of labor for my poor mother and it affected my eyes to such an extent that the doctor wanted to remove one of them. My parents said no to that, and today, I have both my eyes. However, I have had to wear glasses since the age of three. Several years ago, I had Lasik surgery, and no longer wear glasses. (I now have to wear reading glasses, and like to wear distance glasses for driving.)
20. I have been to Israel twice and long to return.
21. I toured New Orleans and the Gulf of Mexico region after hurricane Katrina.
22. I was at Miss America (in Atlantic City), as part of the Washington State delegation, immediately following 9-11. When we got off the plane in Newark, we could see the smoke plume rising from Manhattan. No, I was not a contestant.
23. I have piercings; two in one ear and one in the other. And no tatoos.
24. I have loved many in my life, and they all hold a special place in my heart.
25. I am Torah observant and (attempt) to keep the Sabbath.
26. I am currently trying to learn Hebrew, however, it's slow going. I have been working on it for about five years now! I am pathetic…
27. I am a night owl and work best in the afternoon/evening.
28. I'm not a fan of television. I dislike listening to the radio because of the commercials.
29. I don't care for Christian pop music, or any pop music, for that matter.
30. My favorite food is Mexican, but I like Asian and Indian, too.
31. I can cook, but would prefer not to. I also dislike potlucks. *grimace*
32. I'd rather clean a toilet than clean the kitchen.
33. I celebrate the biblical feasts.
34. I sang in a large choir for several years and participated in large stage productions. (I have returned to that choir, by the grace of HaShem, and enjoy it immensely.)
35. I was the President of my high school Thespians Club.
36. I was never a cheerleader in school, but have fulfilled the task over and over in my adult life.
37. I am a natural leader and administrator (otherwise known as a bossy-butt).
38. I am a total and complete Star Wars geek. I would have made a great Jedi.
39. I never wanted to get married or have children, but I have been married twice and have three beautiful and talented children.
40. I went to community college for one year and earned a 4.0 GPA the last quarter, just for fun.
41. I was the secretary to the president for a rental construction equipment company, and have worked in a CPA's office in downtown Seattle. I am definitely a Seattle-ite.
42. I worked for Boeing for several years, and that's how I met my current husband.
43. I shattered my left elbow roller skating when I was 16, and still have some hardware in there from the reconstruction…and a lovely scar.
44. I own a Jedi costume… a real one, not a Halloween costume (I dislike Halloween and do not honor it). I also made my own light saber.
45. I love coffee; my favorite drink would be a "16oz. soy latte (hot) with toffee nut flavor, light on the syrup". (correction: tall Americano with classic syrup, with 'room'.)
46. I homeschool my children and always have. (My first just graduated!)
47. I sound like my mother on the telephone (and my daughter sounds like me!). I also have (what I call) phone-aphobia… I dislike making phone calls, but don't mind folks calling me.
48. I loved to ride my bicycle as a kid and would ride for miles every day with my brother (who is five years my junior).
49. The beach is in my blood; I spent a good part of my childhood staying on the Washington Coast.
50. My parents were both born in Rat City (White Center, Washington).
51. I am artistic and creative. I have spent time sketching, painting, working with clay, beading and crafting. I was an avid rubber stamper prior to becoming a letterboxer.
52. I have never been into scrap booking.
53. I am a deeply spiritual person.
54. I think that eating is over-rated. Sleep, too.
55. I tend to be an overachiever.
56. I over-analyze things frequently, which can be a good or bad thing.
57. I don't like to watch many movies.
58. I love to go on road trips… it's all about the journey!
59. I love to carve stamps; it my favorite thing about letterboxing. (I don't carve much these days...)
60. I taught aerobics for several years, when I was in my twenties.
61. I am vegetarian; I was vegan for several years. (Well, mostly.)
62. I am always cold.
63. I don't particularly like to get wet. (see #62!)
64, Definitely shower over bath.
65. Tequila over whiskey (yuck!). I also love (good) champagne and enjoy a nice glass of wine.
66. I do not smoke, but have tried it. It's awful.
67. When listening to a lecture, I hear and understand it better if I am working on a mindless task (such as a word search).
68. I enjoy studying religious theology and the Scriptures.
69. I am the Festival Coordinator for our congregation. I also am in charge of our little Judaica Shop. (correction: was. I no longer attend services in a congregational setting.)
70. I drive a non-descript silver Kia Optima which we call "the speeder".
71. I live in a large ranch-style home on 2 acres on the South Hill of Puyallup. I have discovered that the bigger the house, the more to clean. Next home is going to be much smaller!
72. I love sitting down to the Passover seder meal… that means all the work is done!
73. I don't like chocolate (but my husband does!)
74. I don't like sports; either participating in or watching.
75. I like Bill O'Reilly.
76. I taught pre-school Yeshiva in our synagogue. I also worked at a day care (where my mother is the Curriculum Director). (correction: I no longer claim ownership to a synagogue; and my beloved mother, of blessed memory, is no long with us.)
77. I will fight for justice.
78. I don't like sweet potatoes or squash. Bleck.
79. I laugh a lot (sometimes too loudly!); when I was little, my nickname was Giggles.
80. I talk in my sleep and slept with my teddy bear Jo-Jo for many years.
81. Some of my favorite books are by Laura Ingalls-Wilder
82. I am a planner, but flexible…also a problem-solver.
83. I think I can do anything… and that there is always a way. I also believe that you can say anything, as long as you say it the right way.
84. I care deeply for people and am very loyal (even for those no longer in my life).
85. I miss my Grandmother.
86. My favorite color is burgundy, but I usually feel most comfortable wearing brown or black.
87. I have spent most of my life bored.
88. I am a photographer; I love taking pictures and think that I have a pretty good eye for composition, etc. No training, though.
89. I enjoy singing and am the 'back-up' for the soprano part in our worship team. I most enjoy singing in Hebrew and leading people in worship. (correction: was.)
90. I am a collector of memories and experiences.
91. I went to Beauty School when I was in high school and know how to cut hair.
92. I have worked as a waitress in a Red Robin bar… not for long, though! Not for me!
93. I sold Mary Kay, Weekenders and Shaklee for a bit. Also, not for me!
94. I collect Star Wars books and figures; the figures are proudly displayed in my craft room. I also have two Obi-Wan standees and one of Qui-Gon Jinn… they are awesome!
95. I love going beachcombing and getting beach hair.
96. I like writing, and have been told I'm pretty good at it.
97. I have always been told that I never live up to my potential.
98. I hate secrets and think they can be very destructive.
99. I like to get gifts, but would rather just spend time.
100. I don't mind sharing myself with others.

It absolutely amazes me how accurate this one is (for me). Most personality profiles kind of get some right, some not - but this one is right on the button.

The Protector:
As an INFJ, your primary mode of living is focused internally, where you take things in primarily via intuition. Your secondary mode is external, where you deal with things according to how you feel about them, or how they fit with your personal value system.

INFJs are gentle, caring, complex and highly intuitive individuals. Artistic and creative, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. Only one percent of the population has an INFJ Personality Type, making it the most rare of all the types.

INFJs place great importance on havings things orderly and systematic in their outer world. They put a lot of energy into identifying the best system for getting things done, and constantly define and re-define the priorities in their lives. On the other hand, INFJs operate within themselves on an intuitive basis which is entirely spontaneous. They know things intuitively, without being able to pinpoint why, and without detailed knowledge of the subject at hand. They are usually right, and they usually know it. Consequently, INFJs put a tremendous amount of faith into their instincts and intuitions. This is something of a conflict between the inner and outer worlds, and may result in the INFJ not being as organized as other Judging types tend to be. Or we may see some signs of disarray in an otherwise orderly tendency, such as a consistently messy desk.

INFJs have uncanny insight into people and situations. They get "feelings" about things and intuitively understand them. As an extreme example, some INFJs report experiences of a psychic nature, such as getting strong feelings about there being a problem with a loved one, and discovering later that they were in a car accident. This is the sort of thing that other types may scorn and scoff at, and the INFJ themself does not really understand their intuition at a level which can be verbalized. Consequently, most INFJs are protective of their inner selves, sharing only what they choose to share when they choose to share it. They are deep, complex individuals, who are quite private and typically difficult to understand. INFJs hold back part of themselves, and can be secretive.

But the INFJ is as genuinely warm as they are complex. INFJs hold a special place in the heart of people who they are close to, who are able to see their special gifts and depth of caring. INFJs are concerned for people's feelings, and try to be gentle to avoid hurting anyone. They are very sensitive to conflict, and cannot tolerate it very well. Situations which are charged with conflict may drive the normally peaceful INFJ into a state of agitation or charged anger. They may tend to internalize conflict into their bodies, and experience health problems when under a lot of stress.

Because the INFJ has such strong intuitive capabilities, they trust their own instincts above all else. This may result in an INFJ stubborness and tendency to ignore other people's opinions. They believe that they're right. On the other hand, INFJ is a perfectionist who doubts that they are living up to their full potential. INFJs are rarely at complete peace with themselves - there's always something else they should be doing to improve themselves and the world around them. They believe in constant growth, and don't often take time to revel in their accomplishments. They have strong value systems, and need to live their lives in accordance with what they feel is right. In deference to the Feeling aspect of their personalities, INFJs are in some ways gentle and easy going. Conversely, they have very high expectations of themselves, and frequently of their families. They don't believe in compromising their ideals.

INFJ is a natural nurturer; patient, devoted and protective. They make loving parents and usually have strong bonds with their offspring. They have high expectations of their children, and push them to be the best that they can be. This can sometimes manifest itself in the INFJ being hard-nosed and stubborn. But generally, children of an INFJ get devoted and sincere parental guidance, combined with deep caring.
In the workplace, the INFJ usually shows up in areas where they can be creative and somewhat independent. They have a natural affinity for art, and many excel in the sciences, where they make use of their intuition. INFJs can also be found in service-oriented professions. They are not good at dealing with minutia or very detailed tasks. The INFJ will either avoid such things, or else go to the other extreme and become enveloped in the details to the extent that they can no longer see the big picture. An INFJ who has gone the route of becoming meticulous about details may be highly critical of other individuals who are not.

The INFJ individual is gifted in ways that other types are not. Life is not necessarily easy for the INFJ, but they are capable of great depth of feeling and personal achievement.

INFJs generally have the following traits:

Intuitively understand people and situations
Idealistic
Highly principled
Complex and deep
Natural leaders
Sensitive and compassionate towards people
Service-oriented
Future-oriented
Value deep, authentic relationships
Reserved about expressing their true selves
Dislike dealing with details unless they enhance or promote their vision
Constantly seeking meaning and purpose in everything
Creative and visionary
Intense and tightly-wound
Can work logically and rationally - use their intuition to understand the goal and work backwards towards it

The INFJ is a special individual who needs more out of a career than a job. They need to feel as if everything they do in their lives is in sync with their strong value systems - with what they believe to be right. Accordingly, the INFJ should choose a career in which they're able to live their daily lives in accordance with their deeply-held principles, and which supports them in their life quest to be doing something meaningful. Since INFJs have such strong value systems, and persistent intuitive visions which lend them a sense of "knowing", they do best in positions in which they are leaders, rather than followers. Although they can happily follow individuals who are leading in a direction which the INFJ fully supports, they will very unhappy following in any other situation.

***
The Counselor (INFJ) is a more private person than the  (ENFJ) Teacher. They, too, can be found in the field of education as a professor , teacher, counselor, or educational consultant. Sometimes they feel a strong calling toward the religious life as clergy, nun, or director of religious education. Social service jobs, such as social worker, social scientist, or mediator can fit their needs. Some Counselors work in human services, marketing, or as a job analyst. Others are drawn to the arts as a novelist, designer, or artist. Says Benito, "My art is very personal. It expresses who I am at the same time reaching out to draw the viewer in. My art changes the viewer's perspective of reality." ~Keirsey

Prayers for each type - how true!!

What I Love About Winter

OK, so here's a challenge! Anyone who has ever read any of my writing knows quite well that winter is not my favorite season of the year. Yeah, sure...my birthday is in winter, which might make it a shoe-in for fave. Not so, even though I tried to trick everyone, myself included, by claiming winter was my favorite season. (That may have been because my parents actually kept the house at a comfortable temperature, but I'm not sure.)

At any rate, let's get to it...

What I Love About Winter

Listening to the rain hit the window on a cold, rainy night while snuggled up in a warm bed.

Curling up on the couch with a good book, a cup of hot tea and a snoozy cat.

The brisk, fresh air right after a heavy rain.

Stormy weather at the coast.

Wearing turtlenecks and my favorite fleece ponchos.

Cheerful, crackling fires in the fireplace.

I love writing in the quietness of winter - the other seasons are just not quiet.

Eggnog, special lattes at Starbucks and pumpkin pie.

Squirrels looking for their stash in the snow.

The sound of a mean winter wind whipping through the tall evergreens.

Fat little birds sitting on naked tree branches.

Clear, starry nights when the temperature drops.

The way misty-fog collects in the low-lying meadows.

Boots, boots and more boots!

Seeing your breath in the cold and trying to make 'smoke rings'.

The excitement of losing power (which evaporates quickly, I might add).

Hot soup that makes you feel warm from the inside out.

Guilt-free hibernating.

Lighting candles - they just seem brighter in the winter.

Watching the kids play in the snow.

**************

There is a privacy about it which no other season gives you....
In spring, summer and fall people sort of have an open season on each other;
only in the winter, in the country, can you have longer, quiet stretches
when you can savor belonging to yourself.
~Ruth Stout

The Annual Calendar

Finally got around to designing the annual calendar pages.

2011 was an interesting year, to be sure.

January

February

March

April

May

June

July

August

September

October

November

December

photo credit goes to Morgan Henderson, Batya Katz, Lisa Landry and yours truly.

Favorite Word

Doesn't everyone have a favorite word?

If you read my writing at all, you may know that I like to use this word whenever I can.

more·o·ver /môrˈōvər/
adverb: As a further matter; besides: "moreover, glass is electrically insulating".
synonyms: furthermore - besides - further - too - in addition

And why, you ask, do I favor this word? Oh, I don't know...usually I have something more to say, I guess. I have a rather bad habit of starting sentences with the word and, but and however, maybe moreover is the same but sounds a bit more sophisticated. Heh.

I'm also pretty fond of furthermore...

Favorite Tea

I absolutely love Jasmine Green tea - it is fabulous!

A close second is any kind of minty tea.

There is nothing better than a good book, a warm fire

and a hot cup of tea in a favorite tea cup.

Aaahhhh....

Favorite Photo

My Favorite Photo of Myself

I couldn't choose just one - both of these shots (taken late summer 2011) are really fun!

love this pic taken at Mt. Rainier Lodge
(photo by Batya)

taken on Lake Coeur D'Alene
(photo by Padawan)

Smoke is Everywhere

I knew where I was, but didn't recognize it.  This place was large, empty...cold.

There were others around me, laughing, talking,
but I only felt and recognized one.

There was trouble everywhere, but it was being ignored.
Not because it wasn't seen,
but because they didn't know what to do.

I opened my eyes, momentarily marveling at the feel of it all;
comfortable and dangerous at the same time.
Drifting off again, I stepped back into the scene...

Now out of the place I knew, looking at it through a window;
I heard the the scream of fire engines.
Alarmed, I turned to the one I knew with terror,
and we both ran.

He had a light colored coat on, I can see it.
I can hear the chaos around us as we sprinted to the place I knew.
He threw open the door and smoke billowed out.
We both started coughing,
looked at each other with determination
and stepped into the burning building...

All I could see was his back and the ark in the distance.
I could feel the heat and taste our desperation.
He reached it first and yanked open the doors.
I was right behind him and he quickly handed me the small one,
then grabbed the larger.
We stepped down and made for the door.

The last thing I remember was collapsing, tightly holding the scroll to my chest.
Smoke was everywhere.

Smoke is everywhere.

History

If you want to understand today, you have to search yesterday.

~Pearl Buck

Adjectives

In grammar, an adjective is a word whose main syntactic role is to qualify a noun or noun phrase, giving more information about the object signified.

Challenge: describe yourself with adjectives only.

middle-aged

married

average

witty

intuitive

broken-hearted

hopeful

adventurous

cheeky

honest

faithful

loyal

sarcastic

willing

loud

forgetful

friendly

ingenious

compassionate

available

skeptical

alone

scientific

committed

introspective

generous

famous

broke

spoiled

diplomatic

whiny

religious

artsy

sequential

discerning

sincere

brown

creative

genuine

careful

flaky

first-born

melancholy

bossy

light

accepting

good

bored

organized

clever

messy

truthful

green-eyed

controlled

selfish

mindful

restless

black

crafty

sunny

last-minute

half-full

diligent

polite

giving

limber

musical

open-minded

helpful

quick

tolerant

smiley

observant

flip

obligated

motherly

patient

impatient

cheerful

guilty

forgiven.

“A man's character may be learned from the adjectives 

which he habitually uses in conversation.”

~Mark Twain

Familiar

I admit it - I'm afraid.

And why wouldn't I be?  This situation has plagued me my whole life.

Mom:  "Sweetheart, they are just jealous of you."
a much younger me:  "Mom, I just can't believe that.  Why?"
Mom:  *sigh*  "Well, probably for a lot of reasons, but that is just the way it is sometimes.  Somehow, you are going to have to learn to know it when it's happening and deal with it."
a much younger me:  "I don't know...it seems so unfair."
Mom:  "No one said life was fair, my dear."
a much younger me:  "I know."  *sigh*

I work hard to be the best I can be.  Doesn't everyone?  I study, I pray.  I try to be as kind and loving as I can muster.  I seek to be courteous and polite.  I try to keep myself healthy and look the best I can.  But somehow, in the midst of all that, I'm still me.  The me that is always asking questions.  The me that laughs a little too loud and feels much too deeply.  The me that's empathetic towards those around me and observes things others would prefer I wouldn't.  The critical me that is hardest on myself.

Yeah, I'm afraid alright.  I can't deny this feeling that will not leave me alone.  To fear means to acknowledge  that whisper, deep within myself, that G-d isn't going to save the day.  He's not going to stop the inevitable.  I hate fear and I hate to fear. But, I'm still afraid, it would seem.

It was a good day.  Good conversation, debating Scripture, sharing the passion of our faith - it's all good.  No one was mean...in fact, everyone was warm and accepting - welcoming, even.  Yeah, you'd call that welcoming, I'm sure, although it's not a feeling that I'm all that familiar with, honestly.  I was included and wanted, sharing laughter and serious moments, thinking about the future and being incorporated as an active member of the group.

But, what if suddenly everything flips and the same thing happens again?  What if, in my fervor to serve and give all that I am to the functioning of this group, the pattern repeats itself?  What if someone starts watching me with jealousy in their heart? What if that person begins to see me as a threat and starts plotting a way to get me out? What if they make up lies about me and turn others against me?  What am I going to do? What then?

Bless their hearts.  The LORD knows I don't seek to make anyone jealous, for in my heart of hearts I truly don't  understand why someone would be jealous of me.  I'm a person, just like they are - no different.  I feel, make mistakes and sound silly a good portion of the time.  I can come off as arrogant and a know-it-all frequently enough, I know.  I try to curb these faults and soften the edges; I sincerely hope that others will give me the benefit of the doubt and the grace of friendship. However, I cannot deny that horrible things have happened because of jealousy, or maybe it's envy, too many times to count.  On the school playground.  In high school.  In my first job and every one since.  And in religious groups; it is this group where it hurts the most because, for whatever reason, I don't expect it.

The only defense I have ever had was to be appear strong and courageous. Hold my chin up and step out where others hesitate...broaden my horizons, do the hard things. Convince others it doesn't bother me.  Just keep walking and doing the best I can and perhaps maybe, someday, it won't happen. No one will be envious of anything - they will just like me for who I am.  I suppose this is the universal cry of humanity, isn't it?

Yeah, I'm afraid.  This doesn't mean that I won't do what I've committed to do, what the LORD desires of me.  I will do all that He asks, requires, without question. But within myself, I'm pushing down the fear.  The fear of rejection, the fear of pain.  Fear of betrayal and being blindsided again. Because I never expect it, anymore than I expected it when "a much younger me" was hurt and seeking the wise counsel of my Mom.

Please LORD, don't let it happen again. And if I'm doing anything to make it happen over and over in my life,  please, please, please don't let me do it again. Because it hurts really bad, and to be honest, I'm still smarting from the last round.


[No Turning Back, photo art by expired cupcake]

Feelin' what??

Nearing the top.

I feel like I've been climbing forever, scratching and clawing my way out. It has been a long time.

There have been days I've made progress. Then there are those days when my foot slips or my handhold just isn't what it should be. Three steps forward, two steps back. Re-adjust, re-connect...get my mind in the right place once again continue the journey up. And out.

Breathe.  Concentrate.  Keep my eyes looking up, always towards the goal.
Healthy, positive and good.

Centered.  Controlled.  Focused.

And now, I'm nearing the top.  No use looking back any longer.
Grab the hand and pull up.

There is an end to hard times.
There is a light at the end of the tunnel.
There is hope and a future...and a job to do.

So, let's get to it.

Bookmark

There are times when I stumble across something, a quote, a song or a sentiment, that completely captures the essence of my emotional state and situation at a particular moment in time.  Describing my experience in a way I wasn't expecting, resonating within with resounding clarity.  It is these things that are worthy of bookmarking for later savor.

There's nothing to writing. 

 All you do is sit down at a typewriter and open a vein.

~Walter Wellesley "Red" Smith

Well, that's for sure.  Interestingly, it is those things that are closest to our being, the fabric of our souls, that make us vulnerable.

I marvel at those times when joy or pain, heartbreak or tearful happiness is highlighted through anothers voice.  Times when simple words, a melody, a scent even, will take me back to an exact moment faster than a blink.  I have a love-hate relationship with these things, these snippets of humanity that, obviously, have been spying on my innermost thoughts.

‎What I needed most was to love and to be loved, eager to be caught.

Happily I wrapped those painful bonds around me;

and sure enough,

I would be lashed with the red-hot pokers of jealousy,

by suspicions and fear,

by burst of anger and quarrels.

~attributed to Augustine

And then there's music.  The descriptor of our spirit.

Is this the saddest song ever written?  Is it, in fact, a song lamenting a lost romantic love?  Or could it be that this melancholy song writer is describing a love of another kind?  It is possible.  I suppose there is no way of knowing, is there?

Maybe I should have saved those leftover dreams.

Funny, but here's that rainy day.

Here's that rainy day they told me about,

and I laughed at the thought that it might turn out this way.

Where is that worn out wish that I threw aside

after it brought my love so near?

Funny how love becomes a cold rainy day.

Funny...that rainy day is here.

It's funny how love becomes a cold rainy day...

Funny,

that rainy day is here.

Rainy days and leftover dreams.  Admittedly, it is much easier to be melancholy when the weather is grey, dismal and oppressive, most certainly.  And love...well, that's a topic for another day, I'm sure.

All was silent as before -

All silent save the dripping rain.

~Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Words that speak to the soul, notes that mimic the rhythm of a heartbeat...
And thoughts that are worthy of marking for later contemplation.

**************

Sanity

I'm so blessed to have many online friends, both near and far.

All too often, it's what keeps me sane.

“What sane person could live in this world and not be crazy?”

~Ursula K. LeGuin

Life is Hard

Life is hard.  I'm sure you will agree.

Life is hard...when work to make others happy fails.

Life is hard...when loud voices drown out good intentions.

Life is hard...when best efforts are misconstrued.

Life is hard...when misunderstandings condemn.

Life is hard...when needs go unfulfilled.

Life is hard...when decisions that seem right at the time lead to regret.

Life is hard...when there isn't enough time to get to everything done.

Life is hard...when words are used to hurt.

Life is hard...when compassion and care is withheld.

Life is hard...when wrong assumptions win the day.

Life is hard...when there is not enough to go around.

Life is hard...when ignorance is encouraged.

Life is hard...when choices leave emotional scars.

Life is hard...when there is no love.

Life is hard, and I don't know why it has to be that way.

Yes, life is hard.

But, G-d is good.

I pray that His voice drown out all the voices that are telling me that I'm...not.

Oh, how abundant is Your goodness, 

which You have stored up for those who fear You 

and worked for those who take refuge in You, 

in the sight of the children of mankind!

~Ps 31:19

Just An Analogy

Just an Analogy

The beloved shepherd picked up one of his closest sheep and quietly walked to the edge of the cliff. He looked down into the crevasse and said "I just don't have time for this," and he held it out in the air for a moment, turned his face away and let go. Having to catch a flight, he walked away from the edge, put the lesser shepherds in charge of the fold and rushed to the airport to catch the flight to his appointment to recruit more sheep...