I admit it - I'm afraid.
And why wouldn't I be? This situation has plagued me my whole life.
Mom: "Sweetheart, they are just jealous of you."
a much younger me: "Mom, I just can't believe that. Why?"
Mom: *sigh* "Well, probably for a lot of reasons, but that is just the way it is sometimes. Somehow, you are going to have to learn to know it when it's happening and deal with it."
a much younger me: "I don't know...it seems so unfair."
Mom: "No one said life was fair, my dear."
a much younger me: "I know." *sigh*
I work hard to be the best I can be. Doesn't everyone? I study, I pray. I try to be as kind and loving as I can muster. I seek to be courteous and polite. I try to keep myself healthy and look the best I can. But somehow, in the midst of all that, I'm still me. The me that is always asking questions. The me that laughs a little too loud and feels much too deeply. The me that's empathetic towards those around me and observes things others would prefer I wouldn't. The critical me that is hardest on myself.
Yeah, I'm afraid alright. I can't deny this feeling that will not leave me alone. To fear means to acknowledge that whisper, deep within myself, that G-d isn't going to save the day. He's not going to stop the inevitable. I hate fear and I hate to fear. But, I'm still afraid, it would seem.
It was a good day. Good conversation, debating Scripture, sharing the passion of our faith - it's all good. No one was mean...in fact, everyone was warm and accepting - welcoming, even. Yeah, you'd call that welcoming, I'm sure, although it's not a feeling that I'm all that familiar with, honestly. I was included and wanted, sharing laughter and serious moments, thinking about the future and being incorporated as an active member of the group.
But, what if suddenly everything flips and the same thing happens again? What if, in my fervor to serve and give all that I am to the functioning of this group, the pattern repeats itself? What if someone starts watching me with jealousy in their heart? What if that person begins to see me as a threat and starts plotting a way to get me out? What if they make up lies about me and turn others against me? What am I going to do? What then?
Bless their hearts. The LORD knows I don't seek to make anyone jealous, for in my heart of hearts I truly don't understand why someone would be jealous of me. I'm a person, just like they are - no different. I feel, make mistakes and sound silly a good portion of the time. I can come off as arrogant and a know-it-all frequently enough, I know. I try to curb these faults and soften the edges; I sincerely hope that others will give me the benefit of the doubt and the grace of friendship. However, I cannot deny that horrible things have happened because of jealousy, or maybe it's envy, too many times to count. On the school playground. In high school. In my first job and every one since. And in religious groups; it is this group where it hurts the most because, for whatever reason, I don't expect it.
The only defense I have ever had was to be appear strong and courageous. Hold my chin up and step out where others hesitate...broaden my horizons, do the hard things. Convince others it doesn't bother me. Just keep walking and doing the best I can and perhaps maybe, someday, it won't happen. No one will be envious of anything - they will just like me for who I am. I suppose this is the universal cry of humanity, isn't it?
Yeah, I'm afraid. This doesn't mean that I won't do what I've committed to do, what the LORD desires of me. I will do all that He asks, requires, without question. But within myself, I'm pushing down the fear. The fear of rejection, the fear of pain. Fear of betrayal and being blindsided again. Because I never expect it, anymore than I expected it when "a much younger me" was hurt and seeking the wise counsel of my Mom.
Please LORD, don't let it happen again. And if I'm doing anything to make it happen over and over in my life, please, please, please don't let me do it again. Because it hurts really bad, and to be honest, I'm still smarting from the last round.
[No Turning Back, photo art by expired cupcake]
